Psychotherapist - Lohani Noor

Lohani Noor is resident Psychotherapist at the Manchester Institute of Psychotherapy where she manages her private practice Psycho therapist Lohani Noor - London & Chorlton - Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) . 

Over the last thirty years she has worked with a wide range of clients with issues including addictions, sexual abuse, anxiety depression, stress, relationship breakdown (running a weekly group for couples), sexual dysfunction and so on. She is listed on the AAS (American Association of Suicideology), a Registered Therapist with STOPSO and a LGBTQ Registered Therapist. She specialises in sex and relationship issues & family therapy and appeared as the therapist in BBC1's popular ‘Sex on the Couch’ series in 2019.She is the author of Audible Classic - ‘12 Steps to Sexual Connection’ (2020).

Introduction

Lohani Noor's journey is a testament to her resilience, determination, and the pursuit of self-discovery. Growing up in the gritty North of England as the seventh child in a family of ten, she faced the challenges of racism and the harsh behaviour of religious parents not fully integrated into Western culture. At 16, she ran away from home, escaping the chaos and an arranged marriage, leading to a life on the streets of London, in hostels, a victim protection unit, and ultimately finding solace in a children's home.

At 19, she ventured into the world of bodybuilding, using it as both a personal and financial outlet. Alongside her bodybuilding pursuits, she took on the challenging role of a residential social worker, aiding drug and alcohol-dependent men, sex offenders, and individuals with mental health issues.

To break societal norms, Lohani boldly trained and qualified as a plumber and later as a building services engineer. Fuelled by a desire to overcome the fear instilled by her culture, she defied expectations and embraced her strength.

Her life journey unfolded through a tapestry of international travels, fierce participation in bodybuilding competitions which included being crowned State of California Powerlifting Champion and 1996 heavyweight and overall British Bodybuilding Champion in 1996 followed by the highs and lows of marriage and divorce, and the unexpected discovery of her pregnancy.

Determined to provide for her child, Lohani worked tirelessly on a building site throughout the winter, persisting until she was 34 weeks pregnant. Following the birth of her son, her journey continued to unfold with unwavering dedication. This included taking on a lecturing position in a college of further education, retraining in psychotherapy, and becoming a respected practitioner at the Manchester Institute of Psychotherapy where she has dedicated herself to private practice.

Today Lohani Noor specialises in sex and relationship issues, as well as family therapy. However, her professional versatility is evident as she has successfully worked with a diverse clientele dealing with challenges such as addictions, sexual abuse, anxiety, depression, stress, relationship breakdowns (including facilitating a weekly couples' group), and sexual dysfunction. Alongside her clinical work, her remarkable journey includes authoring the Audible Classic - 12 Steps to Sexual Connection (2020) and serving as the therapist on 'Sex on the Couch,' a TV series that featured on both BBC1 and BBC iPlayer in 2019.

Within the chapters of Lohani Noor's extraordinary life, her achievements emerge as a testament to the indomitable spirit and illustrate how resilience, strength, and an unwavering commitment to personal growth can transform adversity into triumph.

Can you share insights into your work as a psychotherapist? What motivated you to pursue this field, and how do you find it fulfilling?

I am so grateful to have found psychotherapy both for my own mental health and for the joy it brings me in my daily working life. Whilst teaching at a local college of further education, a teaching assistant, who was also a psychotherapy trainee, pulled me aside and suggested that I look into Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy. She said that I taught in the style of TA. This small intervention opened a doorway to what can only be described as the most joyous life journey. Facilitating therapeutic change in others is life affirming, it fills me with an endless sense of wonder and possibility and gives me permission to know myself differently as every new day approaches.

Qualifying as a psychotherapist involves a significant journey. What do you need to study? Could you shed light on the steps and challenges one might encounter in the process?

Psychotherapy is a process of becoming, you don’t actually ever arrive but rather you ‘become’. It is a challenging profession that demands self reflection and growth, which is not always easy, although you will be well supported on this journey. To see in yourself, your failings, the games you might play, your fears and defences can be very challenging. However, you will also see the depth and breadth of your beauty, you will find peace with yourself, acceptance and even love for the places where you continually struggle, some struggles are life long, the best we can do is make friends with them.

There are two primary pathways to becoming a psychotherapist. One path is to do a university degree and a masters, the other is to do a masters level 4 year training programme through a psychotherapy institute. The academically focused route will give you lots of cognitive learning and the relevant qualifications to be well positioned for practice and accreditation. This route does not require that you do any personal therapy. It will not give you the experiential learning, nor will it give you the deep dive into yourself that training through a psychotherapy institute will give you. The four year diploma demands that you receive at least 40 hours of personal therapy per year for a minimum of four years. Unfortunately, the four year diploma does not give you quite the same academic status. You must decide which route is best for you or if you prefer, like me, you can take both routes, one after the other. This might seem like a lengthy process but if you are considering psychotherapy as profession, I recommend that you get used to the idea of lifelong learning. The more you learn the more potent you become as a practitioner.

Can you share more about your specialisms in psychotherapy? What areas do you focus on, and why are they important to you?

There are so many areas of psychotherapy that I am interested in. In fact everything about the human psychological condition is of interest to me.

The psychosexual aspect of therapeutic work is of real interest to me. We are sexual beings, we are designed for sex, sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure and love. Yet we have so many restrictions and limitations in our thinking in these areas which impacts our behaviours. Further if we are traumatised in these areas our ability to enjoy our sexual sense of ourselves becomes hindered very quickly.

I am currently undertaking further study with the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD). To varying degrees most people have some level of trauma and most people will turn away from that trauma, turning away, avoiding, not thinking about it, forgetting about it are all forms of dissociation although generally speaking when we think of trauma and dissociation we think of big events and big reactions. Understanding the impact of trauma on our systems helps me to help people overcome their relational difficulties, be they emotional, psychological or sexual.

Lastly, the recent rise in research on psychedelics should be of interest to anybody who works in the field of healing, it is certainly high on my radar. Psychedelic medicine is showing us that resolutions to significant conditions of suffering - treatment resistant depression, alcoholism and PTSD etc can be quickly shifted enabling those affected individuals to move towards healing where it wasn’t possible before. The need for therapy and in particular integration is still required with psychedelics, perhaps what changes is the speed and efficacy of the treatment

Writing a book is a significant achievement. What inspired you to write '20 Steps to Sexual Connection,' and what message did you aim to convey through your writing?

I was commissioned by Audible to write ‘12 steps to Sexual Connection’. So much of my message is about clear loving communication and education. To be able to communicate clearly and effectively you need to have a good sense of yourself and your limitations, you also need to understand the impact of yourself on others.

Learning to own your feelings and to speak with integrity about what is happening for you without making someone else responsible can be tricky but its certainly not impossible. Once you find your voice and are able to speak authentically for yourself then the process of communication really begins.

As for sexual connection, I always say ‘if you can’t say the words you shouldn’t be doing the deed’. So many people struggle to speak freely about their sexual needs because they are filled with an outdated shameful internal narrative. Psycho education about sexual function, performance and desire will help you liberate yourself from unhelpful restrictions and enable you to find your personal place of sexual and relational bliss.

Being featured as the BBC therapist on 'Sex on the Couch' is a huge accomplishment. How did this opportunity come about, and what impact do you think it has had on your career?

I was approached by a BBC researcher regarding ‘Sex On The Couch’ and my first response was a firm NO. Couples therapy in particular the focus on sexual dynamics in relationship is a place of extreme vulnerability and tenderness. Each member of the relationship has to be willing to be truly seen and as such open to the risk of shame and emotional injury. There was no way on earth that I was going to support titillation in this area for gratuitous viewing. However after lengthy discussions with the producer I understood that the intention was to bring to light the real life struggle of ordinary people in a bid to develop a much needed dialogue. Perhaps the thing I gained the most from this experience was confidence in my own ability as a practitioner and a huge confirmation of the positive impact of the therapeutic process.

What matters most to you personally and professionally? Are there specific values or principles that guide your work and decision?

My intention is to live an authentic life. This isn’t always easy as often we might find ourselves conflicted between what we believe is societally or culturally right and what is right for us as an individual. Being authentic might mean going against the grain, losing familial or friendship connections but ultimately the place we find ourselves will be one of peace and connectedness. Running through my work is the basic principle of ‘do no harm’.

What qualities do you believe are essential for someone pursuing a career in psychotherapy? Are there specific traits or skills that have been crucial to your success in the field?

There is so much to say in this area, the most obvious qualities are the ability to listen, patience, good theoretical knowledge, critical reflection but perhaps the quality that separates an average practitioner from a brilliant practitioner is the understanding that you commit to letting yourself, your senses and your being be used in the service of the client. Were a psychological client contract to be written it would sound something like this ‘I provide myself for your transference usage. I agree to manage your projections, to accept your idealisations and devaluations and to feel things on your behalf. I agree to be seen and treated as something and someone I am not. Sometimes I will be unable to resist joining with you in enacting these projections. When this happens I contract to take responsibility and recover from my identification as quickly as possible and to help you to use the experience to understand yourself better…’

For students aspiring to enter the psychotherapy industry, what tips or advice would you offer to help them navigate their educational and professional paths successfully?

Understand that you are embarking on a never ending journey of personal discovery and educational gain. Embrace all the challenges, there will be many, and they will come to sharpen your capacity. Open yourself up to love, love is the basic principle of all therapeutic work, love yourself, love your clients, love what you do.

In addition to psychotherapy, you've explored diverse fields like bodybuilding and writing. How do these varied experiences contribute to your holistic approach as a professional?

I am in love with living and I do it with zest. I pursue my passions and trust that wherever they take me is the right pace to be. As a consequence I know myself in such a myriad of ways. Inevitably a broader understanding of myself and life’s challenges helps me to connect with my clients. Not because I have had the same experience as them but because I understand that there are many ways in which we know ourselves, and that those many ways can exist all at the same time. There are many truths.

Looking back at your journey, what lessons have you learned that you wish you knew when starting your career? Are there experiences that have significantly shaped your perspective on your work and life?

Therapy, whether you are in training or receiving therapy, should be viewed as a journey. A bit like getting on a bus, the place you get on is not the place you get off. You will have travelled, possibly many many miles from your starting point.

Starting my journey I had no idea of how happy I would become. I had no idea that I would feel a sense of freedom, that the negative internal narrative would mostly disappear, that my connections with people around me would take on a whole new depth of love, compassion and respect.

If there is one piece of advice that I can give it is DO THERAPY. Get yourself a therapist and stay in therapy, you are your own biggest asset, not growing yourself is underestimating the power of YOU.